KT Walsh
CREATIVE  PRODUCER | WRITER | MEDIA RESEARCHER 

Top 5 Birth Control Methods & Their Histories 

By: KT Walsh | 2013

Family planning is essential, just ask the 16 year old who’s got to tell her parents she’s eating for two. Come on America, did we not learn anything from the first season of Glee? What about the precocious teen in Juno? Guess it’s up to me to send an important message about birth control: during childbirth you can rip your perineum. Yeah, that’s from one hole to another, and if you were paying attention in anatomy class you know there’s only three down there, so guess which two are becoming one. Chew on that, then tell me you still feel weird about insisting he wears a condom. Of course there are other reasons for contraceptives besides preventing teen pregnancy, like disease and God, so here’s a history lesson on my favorites for fornication at any age.

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#1 Condom – The first condoms are said to be made of fish bladders. Yeah, that’s right. Caveman were from France to Egypt were getting busy. Other animal tissue and gut sheaths and helped stop renaissance kings from having illegitimate children, but wasn’t available to anyone else of that time. Probably why there are so many bastards in Game of Thrones. There is folklore surrounding the naming of the condom, but the Latin word, condon, meaning receptacle, is the most likely. Rubber condoms were first mass-produced in 1843 (most likely due the rise of venereal diseases). But if you’re going green, you can still get a sheep intestine condom today. For her pleasure? 

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#2 Diaphragm – the barrier method was very popular across the globe, Ancient African women used plugs of chopped grass or cloth, Japanese prostitutes employed balls of bamboo tissue paper, Islamic and Greek thought wool would be a good idea (though rough and itchy), linen rags were used by Slavic women, even a concoction of crocodile dung and honey was thought very progressive. As early as 1838 the first diaphragm was born of vulcanized rubber (angels singing).

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#3 The Pill - After the church came down hard on sex (that’s what she said) birth control was illegal all together in the US. Gasp! It wasn’t until 1938 was the law deemed unconstitutional, 65 years after the ban. Shout to Margaret Sanger, a devoted Suffragette who dedicated her life to making birth control available by prescription to anyone who desired it. She also is responsible for raising the money for the pill. There should really be a parade in her honor. She should have her own day with a long weekend so the good people of this country can fornicate.

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#4 The Calendar – Most people try to time it right, counting days between visits from aunt flow to calculate when baby-making time is in its prime. In truth scientists didn’t necessary connect sex with pregnancy until the 1800s and ovulation was a complete mystery until the 1930s. In ancient India intercourse was encouraged during menstruation as it was thought that was the batter to make the bun that went in the oven. They were wrong, but that didn’t stop them from making babies.

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#5 Abstinence – In ancient times it was important for a bride to be a virgin. This insured paternity. No one wanted to be raising someone else’s son, especially if he’s a smart-ass. This later backfired, married woman everywhere were closing their legs so they didn’t get knocked up, which drove their husbands to prostitution. Back in the day, abortion was also a very popular choice until it was declared murder by Pope Pius IX in 1869. Then there was all that junk the church spewed about sex being immoral if practiced for pleasure. What else would you practice it for? After the Karma Sutra was discovered the church then outlawed “outercourse” saying it was unnatural and worse than adultery. Not even a hand job. Poor kids.

There are lots of methods out there today. You got your 4 bloody marys per year kind, the 3 day light flow kind, the shove a ring up my vag kind, the patch kind, the shot in the ass kind, the never ever have a period ever kind, and it’s all basically fool proof. Good luck friends.

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